He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
