I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
