I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
