It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.