My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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