You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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