did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
