I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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