there was a trapeze. enough said
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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