I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
