yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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