Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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