This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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