It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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