If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
