how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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