Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
