why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
