I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
