Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
BRING THE BAGELS
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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