we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
