i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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