i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
