So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
