This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
