there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
