He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Randomize
