my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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