Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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