96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
