The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
