someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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