I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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