i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My life is pants optional.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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