Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
