theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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