Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
