How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
