So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
