bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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