I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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