im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
