You just made me feel so damn special
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
