OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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