I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
