someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
