Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I would fuck him just for his dog
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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