She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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