"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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