I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
