my being single is dangerous.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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