wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
