Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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