he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
