im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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