Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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