The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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