he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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