He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
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I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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