dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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