in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
