my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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