Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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